It’s that time of year again–! No, not Christmas yet. It’s October, which means only one thing– it’s spooky time, baby! Shiver-me-bones, it’s almost Halloween again, the season of scares and spooky horrors. It feels like yesterday since it was last Halloween, and I’m sure a lot of you need a good BOO! every now and then to keep you awake in class. I propose a solution: Why have only one day to celebrate ghosts and monsters, when you can simply celebrate them all year? Here’s how you can, without a lot of hard work, and more than a collection of glowing jack-o-lanterns and floating skulls in your locker.
Create your own spooky dialect. Here’s a simple example chart to help convince your friends that you’re a spooky phantom, not a mortal human being.
| Normal words | SPOOKY HAUNTED WORDS |
| “Hello” | “BOO!” |
| “How are you?” | “OooOooOoooOoo…” |
| “My name is [ ]” | “My name is [ ]. I passed to the other realm in 1848.” |
| “Let’s get something to eat, sometime.” | “Shall we enjoy feasting on the souls of the mortals when the clock strikes midnight?” |
| “Why do you think I’m a ghost?” | “OooOooOoo!! I’m a GHOOOooOOooSST!! I am heeEEEeeereeEE to haaAAAuuUUUnnttt yoOOuUu!” |
| “What time is it?” | “IT’S SPOOKY TIME! |
I hope you’re able to take inspiration from this chart, and you’ll really convince those silly humans that you’re really a ghost who’s come to haunt them.
Of course, there’s more to convincing than just words, am I right? Actions speak louder than words, especially HAUNTED actions. Here are some super spooky actions to really seal the fact that you’re a ghost (in a coffin). What’s really convincing is a haunted Halloween playlist to listen to at full blast, so your whole class can hear and know that you’re a spooky ghost. My personal suggestion is to use Spotify because of its theme: black and green, just some of the many spooky colors used to represent Halloween. Here are some songs you may want to start with:
Thriller by Michael Jackson
Disturbia by Rihanna
Somebody’s Watching Me by Rockwell
Monster Mash by Bobby Pickett
Note: don’t add the Ghostbusters song, because what kind of ghost listens to a song about hunting ghosts? Someone who isn’t a real ghost. Take that into mind.
Another thing you can do is sneak up on your human friends and give them a good scare. You’ll surely give them a good haunting, especially when they’re least expecting it. During a math exam, for example. They’ll never know what got ‘em! Or perhaps, if scaring isn’t your thing, walk into class with an empty pillow case and “TRICK OR TREAT” that teacher. Make sure to insist for candy! If the teacher has no candy, don’t worry! Each student can pitch in with their own treat for you, of course.
Of course, who would forget the most important part of Halloween itself: showing your true form, or what humans tend to call “wearing your Halloween costume.” Wear your spookiest every day to keep those humans on their toes. Don’t forget the crucial trick-or-treat bag, or you won’t be able to store your prizes safely and securely. There are no limits to how you do this– just keep it school appropriate, or you might as well make it onto the list of PWats, the prime ghostbuster.
Hopefully, these tips will help you convince your friends that you’re really a spooky ghost instead of a human. If you have any follow-up questions about this, or if I’m a ghost, be sure to leave a comment with your question and I’ll make sure to get back to you within the next few centuries.
Boo. This is a satire article. If you do in fact have questions or concerns, please leave a comment and I will get back to you shortly.