Procrastinators Linked With Having Improved… (finish title eventually)

Procrastinators Linked With Having Improved… (finish title eventually)

Have you ever waited until the last minute to compete a big project, a final paper, or an article for your favorite high school newspaper for their annual satire week? If so, you may just be in luck. Recent studies show that procrastinators (like me) actually produce better work.

A study done a the South Harmon Institute of Technology shows this by showing this in the study. The study consisted of 20 college students, ten that were ranked the highest of their class high school graduating class, and ten that were not. When asked about when they completed their homework, the higher ranking students stated that they planned out exactly when they would complete each task for any given homework, setting goals and rewarding themselves only when they completed these goals. The other ten stated that they, quote, “usually wing it” and “hope for the best,” or, in other words, improvise due to procrastination. The studiers believe that the connection between putting a task off until the last minute and turning in better work is due to the stress levels of the brain increasing, increasing the speed and therefor the quality of all bodily functions, first of which being brainpower.

This shows a positive relation to procrastination because all of the students tested, procrastinators or not, were accepted into college.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, “I want to try procrastinating, but I’m not sure how. How do I get started?” Well, it’s a lot easier than it sounds. Here is my four-step program to procrastination:

  1. Have work you need to do – You need a task you need to do in order to procrastinate, you can’t put off something that doesn’t exist!
  2. Wait until at least 75% of the allotted time you have has past. 85-90% is suggested, but 75% is the minimum for it to deemed procrastination, and what I personally suggest for begging procrastinators. What you do during that time is up to you, so have fun!
  3. Complete the task in that remaining time.

Yes, it’s as simple as that. Remember: the stress levels build the closer you get to the due date, which means your quality only increases as you push your work forward. The longer you wait to do something, the better it comes out!

In conclusion, procrastination is good and a solid solution to any and all problems one might face in a school or work environment. So go out there and don’t do what you’re supposed to do!

Please note this article is part of Saber Slate’s Satire Week and is not meant to be taken seriously. If you are confused by this, we suggest you look up the definition of satire. 

Please use this article as a cautionary tale against procrastination, as it more often than not results in shoddy work such as this. Brought to you by Procrastination – Not Even Once.

City of Franklin – Planned Changes and Future

City of Franklin – Planned Changes and Future

 

The City of Franklin will soon be undergoing various changes in the near future, some of which are very controversial. City and state architects and planners have deemed it necessary to construct an additional interstate highway through the City of Franklin, dubbed the Franklin Megahighway. The planned highway will replace the antiquated Interstate 94. It will connect the cities of southeastern Wisconsin to Milwaukee and Chicago.

 

Due to the construction of this highway, the City of Franklin is required to demolish half of its neighborhoods and businesses to make way. This includes the development underway at the Rock ski slope, and the ski slope itself. City planners plan to demolish the site in order to make way for a major interchange. This is a necessary loss for the city, but will contribute majorly to the economy and future development around the new highway.

The proposed highway will have 12 lanes both sides with dedicated lanes for bus lines and carpools. Parts of the highway will be double-deckered as well: the first highway of its kind in Wisconsin. This will allow for better traffic flow and distribution along the highway, and allow motorists to reach their destinations faster and more efficiently around the state. With this fortunate new development soon to be underway, Franklin will see a new future. However, there have been protests of opposition by the organization People Opposing Odd Planning. There has been about $65,000 in damages to City of Franklin construction vehicles and concrete factories. Thus, groundbreaking of the Franklin Megahighway has been delayed to 2020.

Due to the construction of this new major highway, city planners and government officials have deemed it necessary for the City of Franklin to be annexed by Oak Creek, an effort for continued prosperity and happiness. Because of this, it will be easier for the city to support the new highway. It will also boost our economy. The school districts will also combine, making a total of two high schools and middle schools, and a lot of elementary schools.

The combining of our two great cities will make the expanded City of Oak Creek a major powerhouse of Wisconsin. It will even become the home to a new major sports team, according to the Journal Sentinel. The planned “Sports District” of Oak Creek will be built where Franklin High School currently is. It will contain a standard size football and baseball field, and a multi-use arena for basketball, indoor soccer, or hockey.

Final closure of Franklin High School will be in 2020. Remaining Franklin High School students will be redistributed to brand new high schools, Oak Creek East and Oak Creek West High Schools, which are to be constructed in the months before Franklin High School’s closure. OC East High School will be a renovated version of the existing Oak Creek High School. OC West will be constructed at the intersection of Drexel Avenue and Lover’s Lane Road. The already constructed Target and Pick n’ Save buildings will be repurposed as the high school, and surrounding businesses will be converted into administrative offices. The Franklin Sabers will effectively become a part of the Oak Creek East Knights and Oak Creek West Knights, respectively.

All in all, the future of Franklin is looking very bright. There will be lots of major changes happening and it all might be strange at first. However, this is a new beginning for our town. Plus, with becoming a part of Oak Creek, our economy will prosper, and our children will have an amazing new place to live, play, and learn.

Please note this article is part of Saber Slate’s Satire Week and is not meant to be taken seriously. If you are confused by this, we suggest you look up the definition of satire. 

Brand New HOT Summer Clothing Tips (Boys Only)

Brand New HOT Summer Clothing Tips (Boys Only)

Summer is slowly approaching. The shorts are slowly leaving their dark corner of the dresser and being thrown onto the floor after weather apps are checked. Car windows are being opened only to be closed after realizing that it’s not warm enough to look cool yet. The sandals – wait, they’re always out – uh, the socks under the sandals are getting shorter? I don’t really know – anyways, how people dress between seasons is completely different. This article will help you learn some great fashion tips for how to dress as the weather warms up!

The first tip is to expose yourself more, whether that be reducing the number of layers you wear (no more undershirts!) or just going to shorter sleeve/pant lengths. That means no more long sleeve shirts; switch over to the short sleeve shirts. Consider possibly losing the shorts altogether for maximum comfort.

My second tip is to loosen up! There’s only a quarter of the school year left, which means the stress is dwindling. Why not express that through your clothing choice? Wear a bit more baggier clothing, like a good pair of oversized cargo shorts. Men, I strongly recommend unbuttoning the top two buttons of any dress shirts you own – gotta show off all your great (not fully grown-in) chest hair!

A third tip is to stick to fashion trends. Ignore what the weather is going to be like, and look cool according to society’s standards. It’s cool to wear a nice jacket. Is it 80 degrees out? Who cares! Follow the trends until the end. If you don’t, we will find out, and we won’t be happy. You want me to be happy, right, Gilbert? Follow the trend.

My next tip is to get a haircut. It’s hotter out now, so you can probably get your hair cut shorter as you don’t need to protect your head from cold as much. For the best possible look, I recommend asking your barber to do what they think looks good on you. Then, consistently complain about it not looking good even though you could have said something while getting it cut. It’s not on you at all to be open to your barber, they should just know!

Buy AMERICAN EAGLE OUTFITTERS. Buy AMERICAN EAGLE OUTFITTERS clothing. You must buy from our brand or else I will not get my sponsorship money*. Buy AMERICAN EAGLE OUTFITTERSclothing today.

My final tip, is to dress however you feel. It doesn’t matter what others think about how you dress. Society is constantly oppressing the individual. We need to speak out and fight for individuals to be able to speak their mind. What truly matters is what you feel in your heart. And I know that, in your heart, what you really want is a nice pair of American Eagle skinny jeans.

*Please note the Saber Slate, nor this article, is actually sponsored by American Eagle. This article is part of Saber Slate’s Satire Week and is not meant to be taken seriously. If you are confused by this, we suggest you look up the definition of satire. 

The Sabers WILL KILL YOU – Here’s How

The Sabers WILL KILL YOU – Here’s How

It appalls me we have not addressed this.

The administration refuses to. He’s made a deal with them, I can tell – should his secrets be revealed, he will decimate the school. Due to this alliance (possibly out of fear for their own safety), I will be exposing this danger to the student body. It must be done.

There are two lethal dangers running around FHS.

First, Seymour Spirit Saber. He has surpassed an urban legend. He’s surpassed a cryptid, and has escalated to a Code Red threat. A god among men, the cuddly, student-body chosen name is a simple veil to the true horrors he is capable of. Somehow, the administrators and staff get him to recede from his ultimate form to perform dance rituals at the home games we hold here at Franklin, possibly as a part of the blood pact they were forced into. He might even only be here to scare us into submission. You never hear anyone cheer for the other team during games: it’s because if you do, Seymour will track you down and SEPARATE you like a julienne salad.

Not much is known about Seymour, other than the fact that the only people he spares are the administrators and staff.

From my extensive research over the course of the years, I can conclude three things:

  1. He lives inside the walls and air ducts.
  2. He can manifest anywhere inside of the school.
  3. He WILL take your kneecaps.

He’s extremely fast. I’m not even sure how he allows the school to take photos of him. I know for sure that the reason that no one has ever come across Seymour and lived to tell the tale. No one knows why he craves the kneecaps of adolescents. No one dares ask.

It is also speculated that Seymour is always listening. Unlike most sabers, his ears are positioned at the front of his head, a mutation that has bestowed him prime listening abilities – almost superhuman. Anyone who says anything mildly offensive, anything that threatens his position of power, or if you threaten to take HIS kneecaps will be kneecap-less and dead before 2:34 PM the same day.

No one knows the warning signs of an attack – anyone who has been attacked has never been able to live through it to warn us. We do know, though, that if you hear skittering inside the walls or the ducts, you had a close encounter, but were good enough to be spared. You can’t hear him when he comes for you – he’s that fast.

However, he’s never been seen outside the school, so we’re safe…for now.

Secondly is the Aqua Saber. A slightly less powerful variant of Seymour, he dwells in the FHS swimming pool, and reaches his peak performance in the diving end.

Similar to Seymour, no one alive is sure of what he looks like, but we for sure know he’s there. He might be translucent, with long fangs and a mermaid tail that allows him to swim incredibly fast. He is much, much larger than Seymour – almost covering half of the pool’s volume, however, he does not hold as much power.

Similar to Seymour, Mr. Aqua Saber is always on the watch. His skin is extremely sensitive to motions in the water and can pinpoint exactly where you are in the pool just by the waves he feels on his skin. He comes for you if you complain too much about the water temperature during a swim unit, or if he thinks you are challenging him (by swimming too fast or splashing around too much).

Thankfully, we’re aware of what his attack is like: only one source, who asked to remain anonymous, was willing to share with me what the attack was like when they saw it happen to a student wading in the pool after school hours.

“All of the lights went out except the one that he was under,” says anonymous. “The water started bubbling and they said the water was too cold. It was then I knew he made a huge mistake.”

Anonymous watched in horror as his friend was quickly dragged underwater. He said he didn’t remember what happened next.

“He drags you to the deep end and sucks all of the water out of your body like a dehydrated fruit,” anonymous continued. “Then your dehydrated body is thrown down the drain and will usually reappear 2 or 3 months later, floating in a toilet somewhere in the school.”

The Aqua Saber Spares no one, but somehow, the swim teams have somehow found out the one thing that keeps him away, but refuses to tell anyone. No one knows how they manage to be spared from his gaping, toothy mouth.


Writing this article was an extreme challenge for me. There were several times where I had to stand up, walk away from the computer, and wonder if my life – and my precious kneecaps would be worth losing. I am risking it all by posting this, but it’s a challenge I am destined to take on. The student body MUST know these dangers.

Please watch out for me. My reinforced steel kneecaps can only hold for so long.

Please note this article is part of Saber Slate’s Satire Week and is not meant to be taken seriously. If you are confused by this, we suggest you look up the definition of satire. 

Festive Holiday Traditions for Everyone

Festive Holiday Traditions for Everyone

Yet again, December has arrived with its negative temperatures and slush from the sky. And do you know what comes along with December? The holidays! A festive two-in-one deal.

But sometimes you’re sick of holiday traditions – maybe you hate always having to bake that cake for the family, or you’re tired of the same pair of socks grandma gets you every year, or maybe you don’t like doing the shoveling Christmas morning so your relatives can park in your driveway. And that’s okay – everyone needs a little change once in a while. Why do you think we have vacations?

So here are some fun ways to vacation from your usual holiday traditions this winter break, no matter who or what you are – yes, even the succulents on your window can get festive. The holidays are in the heart, not in the environment. Have some fun!

1. The Egg of Festivity
The Egg of Festivity is exactly what it sounds like: Gather around in a circle with family, friends, or whoever and whatever else you have lying around. Draw a face the best you can on the egg and set it back in the middle. Remember to show some respect for the egg. This is key – if you slouch or look uninterested this won’t work. Ask the egg a question, like a burning question about what you got for Christmas or if your friend is actually mad at you or forgets to text back. Shake the egg a few times then crack it . If the yolk breaks, it’s a no. If the yolk stays whole, it’s a yes! If you don’t like this method, maybe you can ask the egg for a Magic 8 ball instead next year, hmm?

2. Ultimate Snowball
One of the best things of the season, for most people living in Wisconsin, is the snow. For other’s, it’s the worst thing. But whatever stance you take on snow, there’s one thing we can all agree on – it’s cold, and it’s powdery, and it’s perfect for using as a projectile. Ultimate snowball is a wasteland of rules. Grab some friends (or some targets) and get together in an open space that can either be inside or outside, but outside is preferable. Use tactics like “The Blind Spot” (a rock covered in snow), “The Dirty Harry” (snowballs with more dirt than snow), or the author’s choice, “The January” (a solid ball of ice with a thin layer of snow on top). Go wild and compete to see who gets that last piece of grandma’s famous Jell-O.

3. Present Making
The true hallmark of the holiday season is the satisfaction of giving. Seeing the face of someone else open your present and smile is a feeling that one rarely gets to experience, unless you’re really generous or you go to a lot of parties. Imagine your family member’s face when they open that beautifully wrapped gift and find an uncooked piece of ham inside! The best gifts not only come from the heart, but are also usually found around your home – for example, some great stocking stuffers and tree-fillers could be individually wrapped grapes, water, one Kraft single in a box, a copy of Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 on Blu-ray, or the simple but meaningful spool of copper wire from Home Depot.

5. Family Fortnite Dance Competition
You already know we can’t have Christmas (or an article) without mentioning Fortnite. Another hallmark of the holidays is the time that we spend with others. That’s why this tradition might be perfect for any Fortnite lover out there! With the release of season 7 and the addition of festive skins like Merry Marauder and Ginger Gunner, this gives you the perfect reason to get together with your family and friends in your living room and do the hype like the world’s going to end. Orange Justice your way to a perfect holiday. Default dance throughout the night. Emote at holiday dinner and when receiving your presents. Whatever it takes to get that holiday Victory Royale!

6. Steal Christmas
There’s nothing stopping you. Just go full Grinch on ’em and steal your entire neighborhood’s Christmas. Steal the presents. Take the tree. Leave no evidence. No one will know it was you if you cry alongside them Christmas morning.

 

7. Mall Santa
This tradition might require you to be working age, however, you can always find loopholes. Step in for your local mall Santa (whether he knows about it or not) and let the kiddies sit on your lap this holiday season and tell you what they want. When they’re done, tell them what you want for Christmas. Should you encounter any crying or frightened children, be sure to cry alongside them to make them feel more comfortable. This applies to pets as well.

 

8. Spend Time with Your Family
The holidays are really about coming together at the end of the year and reflecting on how much fun you had. Before the new year comes around, be sure to savor those moments with your loved ones. Because that’s what traditions are all about! It brings the people together. The warm fuzzies in your heart is the real end-of-the-year treat and personally, it’s the moment my whole year leads up to. Sit back and forget about school for the week we’re gone and close your eyes and enjoy the special moments like your family sitting together and laughing among each other, or you and your siblings building snowmen outside and wrapping gifts for your parents, or baking cookies and going places with your friends. Holidays are in the heart.

Happy Holidays everyone! What’s your favorite holiday tradition? Be sure to relax and have loads of fun this break!