How to make a great impression on everyone you meet and get all of the girls.
Hey bros, have you found yourself lonely? Have the numerous girls you’ve asked to the same dance all denied you? Do you sometimes cry yourself to sleep at night? I’ve discovered a cool way to enhance your image, popularity, and status no matter where you go! In only a few easy steps you can go from a “no” to a “bro”.
- Dress for Success
This is one of the most important steps so listen carefully. Girls love bro tanks. That’s right. Bro tanks. If you can’t afford new clothes you can just cut off the sleeves of any old shirt and instantly become a bro. You should also wear shorts everywhere and avoid too many layers, even in the winter. It shows that you are the tough guy and that you can survive the elements. If you want to throw in a sweet bro-chain or other necklace, your look will be complete and you will certainly look like the most masculine bro around.
- Talk the Talk
Appearance doesn’t make the bro, you know. You gotta talk like one too. The best way to do this is to implement bro diction into your daily speech. This means using words like “slay” and “swole” on a regular basis. Most people know that they are not cool enough to use such vocables in conversation and will think that you’re ultra-rad for using them. You should talk about all of your girlfriends on a regular basis and brag to your friends about how members of the fairer sex are swarming you at all times. Everyone will respect you as the alpha and flock to you to admire the full glory of your status. However, it is also important to take up a mega condescending attitude from time to time, to remind everyone that you are the big dog. If there are no big things to brag about, brag about things that don’t really matter. It is ok to make really big stretches with your statements of superiority, especially if your aspirant rival has the audacity of countering your claims.
- Go to the Gym
This is an important step in being a bro if you want to achieve maximum respect and ladies. One way to really show that you are large and in charge is to get swole. This means going to the gym almost every day. You must do minimal work and attempt to pick up every chick in the room. They only go to the gym to impress guys anyway so they will certainly not mind your intrusion to their workout. It is important to show off for said ladies by loading up the bench press bar with copiously high levels of weight. Even if you cannot do a single rep they will be impressed by your efforts. It is also important to freak out at your spotter if they try to help you lift the bar or if they dare to assist in the weight loading of the bar. Everyone knows that loading the weight onto the bar shows that you are swole more than doing the actual lifts.
- Ask out Ladies
Since you are now a bro and are adored by peers and teachers alike, this should be very easy. Girls will literally flock to you. They’ll understand it if you ask multiple girls out at once because you’re the alpha male and clearly too good for just one. This practice is also strongly encouraged because it will show the other guys that you are the most masculine one around, and they will respect you all the more for it.
There you go guys, my Flawless Four-Step Plan to get maximum respect and ladies. Being a bro is a lifestyle, and these tips will ensure your eternal happiness. You will be viewed as the alpha in school, in your workplace, and at the gym, and everyone will flock to you for your sheer awesomeness. This definitely won’t end in disaster or anything.
Disclaimer: This is a quite obviously a satire. Please do not become a bro. If a bro is reading this (at great stress to their reading ability, I know), please seek immediate medical attention.