The Psychological Benefits of Arson

Let’s face it – life is stressful.  Between homework, after-school activities, and obligatory social interactions with people we don’t always want to socialize with, we can tend to feel a little burnt out.  A lot of us try to unwind by playing video games or binge-watching Netflix, but there’s a much cheaper and more effective way to blow-off steam – or smoke – that people have been using for centuries.  That’s right folks, I’m talking about good old-fashioned arson.  There are many more benefits to this method of stress relief than you might expect.

Instant gratification.  When you’re stressed, you don’t have the time or patience to wait for your problems to disappear.  Many recommended methods for getting rid of stress, such as yoga and keeping a diary, are time consuming and require a lot of effort that, quite frankly, you don’t want to do.  But, literally watching your burdens go up in smoke takes only a few minutes, and can leave you feeling energized and ready to tackle the rest of your day.

Inexpensive.  Money is a huge part of our lives and has the potential to cause us a lot of stress.  Some popular stress relievers cost a lot of extra cash (Netflix? Spotify? I’m talking to you) and, in the long run, only add fuel to the fire.  Arson, on the other hand, is quite inexpensive; all that is required is a match and some tinder.  In fact, this stress relief technique can even make you money.  By making an under-the-table deal with the owner of the property you intend to set on fire, you can guarantee yourself a portion of the insurance money.

Powerful relief guaranteed.  Sometimes watching five hours of Friends on Netflix isn’t enough to take your mind off of all those responsibilities you’re ignoring.  Most of the time, stress is more powerful than the things we try to combat it with.  However, nothing quite beats  watching a blazing inferno completely consume an object and replace it with a smoking pile of ash and debris.  This sensation, when experienced regularly, is very powerful and almost guaranteed to relieve even the most debilitating stress.

Practical.  Unfortunately, stress isn’t extinguished after high school.  Adulthood brings with it a whole new set of problems that you will have to learn to deal with.  By engaging in arson as a teenager, you will have mastered the skills and techniques necessary for this stress reliever before being faced with adult problems, making you better equipped to handle them as they arise.

Permanent solution.  Sometimes your stress isn’t caused by a what, but by a who.  Everyone has that certain person in their life who drives them completely and utterly crazy.  Studies show that those people are much less likely to bother you after you burn their house to the ground.

Stress is a serious problem, but it’s good to know that there are viable options to relieve it.  The many benefits of arson far outshine the fact that it is illegal and destructive, and make it a great solution to the problem of stress.

Do you use arson to relieve stress?  Are there any benefits we missed?  What’s your favorite stress relief technique?  Share it with us in the comments below!

 

*NOTE: This article is a SATIRE written for APRIL FOOL’S DAY.  Arson is ILLEGAL, also it kills people and is kind of rude.  Don’t set things on fire.  Please.

2 thoughts on “The Psychological Benefits of Arson

  • April 13, 2015 at 8:07 AM
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    so i didnt read the bottom part of this article and i actually set two of my neighbors sheds on fire so since you prompted me to do it imma need like $92500 to repay the damages.

    Reply
  • April 13, 2015 at 8:08 AM
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    also does anyone know a good lawyer

    Reply

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