February 14

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Hello, everyone! Now, as we all know, Singles’ Awareness Day is coming up next Friday. Once again, we’ll all happily enjoy the rest of our day after an exciting pep rally by hanging out with friends, getting some extra work done, watching TV, pwning n00bs in video games, etc. However, I understand that many of us know people who will be spending time with their significant others and showering each other with love…publicly…passionately…obnoxiously…whatever. Seriously, the nerve of them to do such a thing during Singles’ Awareness Day. Anyway, the purpose of today’s column is to tell you what NOT to do on Singles’ Awareness Day so you can keep being awesome away from all unwelcome displays of affection.

One thing you should avoid is (if you’re a girl) going last-minute dress shopping for Winterlude. Obviously, being single isn’t going to stop you from going to a school dance, but no matter what, do NOT go last-minute. What do you think everyone else is doing? Here’s the logic behind why EVERYONE waits until the last minute to go dress shopping: 1. Almost everyone expects others to be responsible people and get their dresses a LONG time in advance to avoid any possible crowding. That is exactly why, logically, most people should have already done their shopping long before you if you go last-minute. However, this causes everybody to go last-minute, assuming that most people will have already done their shopping. 2. By going last-minute, you lessen the chances of someone else wearing the same dress as you, since all the “popular” choices should be gone by then. 3. Going last minute also decreases the chances of meeting people from school who would criticize every choice you made. SO, by going last-minute, you’re actually increasing the chances of seeing your more affectionate classmates, and everyone knows that there’s WAY too much of that already.
Another thing you should avoid doing (for the guys out there) is going to a party, Now, the typical reasons for not going to parties (such as the presence and use of alcohol and narcotics) don’t matter here. I’m just going to go ahead and assume my readers are smart enough not to go anywhere near such places. No, MY reason for not going to parties on Singes’ Awareness Day is gossip. Although it’s very immoral, gossip is everywhere, and be honest with yourself, you’re going to take part in it SOMETIME. DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT on February 14, though, because that night, everyone will be talking about one thing and one thing only: dates. Oh please, for the love of everything we singles appreciate about our relationship status, don’t go near such discussions. You’ll just regret putting yourself in a situation where you have to deal with even more relationship talk than what already exists at school, and during Singles’ Awareness Day no less. It’s outrageous!

Lastly (for both the guys and the girls), You might just want to spend the day with your friends of the same gender preference, as opposed to having a large group gathering. Why? Because of the concept known as the friend zone, and the fact that it doesn’t exist. Really, if anyone reading this column can tell me that they’ve never had two of their friends start dating out of the blue, please, I’m BEGGING you to prove me wrong. But until then, know this: because of the feelings associated with Singles’ Awareness Day’s more traditional name, Valentine’s Day, there is no time of the year with a greater risk of two of your friends deciding that they have feelings for each other, and start to express those feelings. Respect Singles’ Awareness Day, and don’t take that risk.

Well, those are just some tips for you guys out there who want to enjoy Feb. 14 away from all the corny emotional stuff. And for those of you who DON’T have a reason to recognize Singles’ Awareness Day, all you have to do is ignore everything in this column. Clean and simple.

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